初学者雅思作文求高手帮忙批改（谢谢!）剑5真题Test2 的大作文In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.Discuss the andvantages and di

初学者雅思作文求高手帮忙批改（谢谢!）剑5真题Test2 的大作文In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.Discuss the andvantages and di
初学者雅思作文求高手帮忙批改（谢谢!）
剑5真题Test2 的大作文
In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.
Discuss the andvantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.
交卷：
The gap year has become more and more young adults' choice today,which means traveling or working usually for one year between graduating from high school and seeking for further study in the university .Discussion on whether it is a better selection or not comes along inevitably.I will try to analyse its pros and cons in my following essay.
People especially the elders who pay more attention on the traditional values may find it difficult to be approval of such kind of behaviour for the existing certain degree of potential risks for young adults.It is natural for parents to feel worried since there seems no reasonable personal safety guarantee for their children,who is going on a trip alone especially travel abroad by themselves.Even for the young working man,it also remains unreliable due to their lack of either the social communicating skills or working experience.
However,we cannot neglect the numerous benefits of it at this point.First and foremost,both traveling and working experience do play a valuble role in diversifying the youngsters' life experience and expanding their outlook pretty well.Obviously,this helps them clarify their own life.Hence,here comes the second evidence that clearer self-awareness contributes to a more definitive derection towards their further study and life long career.Besides,it can be recognised as the youth's unique spirit of adventure and the very desire to escape from quite a long-term stuffy school life that promotes their decisions of gapping one year.
Personally speaking,I always convince that taking a year off in this way does benifit the youth much more than attending to the university which actually means another totally different school life style directly without a period of transition.While,traveling or working for a short time before campus life just offers them such an opportunity for preparition.Anyway,such a kind of experience is absolutely a treasure for the young individuals to realise that everyone's life is empowering and it can be unsual at an early age.

初学者雅思作文求高手帮忙批改（谢谢!）剑5真题Test2 的大作文In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.Discuss the andvantages and di
1.忌第一段后两句,严重模板嫌疑,会使考官有抵触情绪
2.文中长难句的使用过于刻意,且使用的较勉强,有句式疏漏和不地道的用法；水平未到者,建议长短句结合,不一定非要硬套长句.
3.你可以多看剑桥4~8的作文范围,切忌慎小嶷之类的作文模板,因为学生不好嫁接自然.
4.文中大致用到了所有较为流行的写作加分点：倒装,状语前置,从句复合等,且层次较为鲜明,但连接词的过度突出显示出了模板的俗套.
5.如此文章是你按规定时间40分钟内毫无参考的独立完成,那么水平在5.5+~6-

首段有几句废话，不够简练。
从结构上看，重点不够突出，既然你支持这种观点，理应讨论优点多过缺点。
你的写作语言还是有点偏中式英文，建议你看几篇GRE范文，增强写作逻辑谢谢。 首段按理说应该是最简洁最好写的，但我每次都纠结开头段。有什么好方法快速简明入题么？ 重点不够突出吗？我在支持段里写了三点理由，但第二段只在“风险”这点上讨论了呀。是因为我先写了让步段才写支持段的原因吗？ ...

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首段有几句废话，不够简练。
从结构上看，重点不够突出，既然你支持这种观点，理应讨论优点多过缺点。
你的写作语言还是有点偏中式英文，建议你看几篇GRE范文，增强写作逻辑

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