I have been dreaming of going to the University of Hong Kong since I was young.The rich history and culture really appeal to me.Meanwhile,I’d like to face the challenge of a new language,a new life,and a new way of thinking.As we all know,with extr

I have been dreaming of going to the University of Hong Kong since I was young.The rich history and culture really appeal to me.Meanwhile,I’d like to face the challenge of a new language,a new life,and a new way of thinking.As we all know,with extr
I have been dreaming of going to the University of Hong Kong since I was young.The rich history and culture really appeal to me.Meanwhile,I’d like to face the challenge of a new language,a new life,and a new way of thinking.As we all know,with extraordinary teaching capacity,the University of Hong Kong has professors and students from all around the world.Together with them,I can learn from their unique views,which can make me broaden my international visual field.So I decided to apply for HKU.
As for major,having considered thoroughly,I choose BBA as my first will.I am interested in Accounting and Finance .In my opinion,accounting has a high application.At the same time,it has a bright perspective.
Concerning about future,while I always have a desire and determination for good quality graduate work,I’d like to improve my capacity for analytical thinking.I am sure that life in the university can help shape a person.So I hope that I will be able to have an insight into the essence of human and be a farsighted person.
I am looking forward to becoming a member of HKU eagerly.I’m convinced that you will not regret to have such a diligent student.

I have been dreaming of going to the University of Hong Kong since I was young.The rich history and culture really appeal to me.Meanwhile,I’d like to face the challenge of a new language,a new life,and a new way of thinking.As we all know,with extr
最最最严重的问题：
As for major, having considered thoroughly, I choose BBA as my first will. I am interested in Accounting and Finance .
前后逻辑不通.
你说你想读BBA,通常是因为你对商业运作,对市场网络,对人力资源等有兴趣,你说你喜欢会计和金融,是不完全对口的.
更重要暴露你对港大开课的不了解,你喜欢会计和金融干嘛不申请 E&F A&F专业?
如果我来写,第一句不会这么做作,第二句写他有什么HISTORY和CULTURE啊?你懂的都写下去啊,Found in 18**, 言论自由啊,说得具体点.
EXTRAORDINARY太中性了,可以形容坏的,换一个.unique 也是.
世界性用GLOBALIZTION, global vision来概括,别用太多简单词.
iternational viusal field =chinglish, => global vision/horizon
make me broaden, 语法累赘,直接 which widens/broadens my .
first will => first choice
accounting has a high application 中国英文 => acct is very practical and applicable to many fields
bright perspective => promising
shape a person? => to be a better person
最后一句太自大了.

1l说的基本没错，最好讲第一段里香港大学的好处比如professor什么的精简一些，然后突出一些你自己的个性（当然是类似于阳光的一面），尤其是不仅是学习你在活动方面也很有兴趣，港大挺在意这个的，虽然高考很看重分数但是总不希望招来个书呆子。。
提个建议，“as we all know”这样的词最好别用，用一个老外的话说文章里写这样的词汇doesn't make sense at all, 对...

全部展开

1l说的基本没错，最好讲第一段里香港大学的好处比如professor什么的精简一些，然后突出一些你自己的个性（当然是类似于阳光的一面），尤其是不仅是学习你在活动方面也很有兴趣，港大挺在意这个的，虽然高考很看重分数但是总不希望招来个书呆子。。
提个建议，“as we all know”这样的词最好别用，用一个老外的话说文章里写这样的词汇doesn't make sense at all, 对你的表意没任何帮助只会显得啰嗦。
还有“have an insight into the essence of human and be a farsighted person”好像空了点，我觉得没太大必要吧，还是多留点空间介绍你自己。
不过最终有个建议是，这个自我介绍不必费太大精力，我的很多同学都是只写了一两句，甚至还有人完全空着还拿到全奖的，高考分数才是王道。
加油咯...

收起

你只表达了想去上学的想法，关于你的背景和特长并没有太多介绍啊，关于会计金融的基础和认识以及应用价值应该再分析深些。
要多讲些你的优势和为何能够进入港大，如果你认识某个教授会帮你很多。