托福作文提提意见给个分It has recentl been announced that a new high school may be built in your community.Do you support or oppose this plan?Why?I’m glad that a new school is going to be established in my neighborhood because education i

托福作文提提意见给个分It has recentl been announced that a new high school may be built in your community.Do you support or oppose this plan?Why?I’m glad that a new school is going to be established in my neighborhood because education i
托福作文提提意见给个分
It has recentl been announced that a new high school may be built in your community.Do you support or oppose this plan?Why?
I’m glad that a new school is going to be established in my neighborhood because education is the most essential field of a nation where the students who will be the mainstay to contribute to the country in the future are nurtured.However,there are a few factors for which I oppose to the project personally should be taken into consideration.
Only viewing this problem in a more objective aspect can we find out that with the school set up,the serenity inside the community will be devastated.For instance,the students who commute by their families’ own vehicles could give rise to severe traffic jam in peak hours like 8am and 5pm.On the other hand,the daily activities the kids perform such as soccer and basketball are often times accompanied by yelling and shouting,and thus they would all dedicate to the disturbance of the neighborhood.
The problem dose not halt at only harassing the peace.When it comes to the educational standard of this school,we could facilely ascertain that due to its recent foundation,few competent and professional teachers would be employed or even attracted to the school.With this phenomenon progressing,I deeply doubt if the school is capable to provide qualified education as the parents expected.So it’s not appropriate to set up a school without any accumulation of the outstanding staff beforehand.It’s always a better alternative to set amassing the teaching force as a priority while planning to found a high school.
To sum up,despite the thrift or schooling convenience a new high school establishment will bring to the neighborhood,I firmly demur this project owing to the disarray coming along with it and the quality of the school.
这是我写的啊,帮忙告诉怎么改进,练习托福作文啊?

托福作文提提意见给个分It has recentl been announced that a new high school may be built in your community.Do you support or oppose this plan?Why?I’m glad that a new school is going to be established in my neighborhood because education i
帮你修改一下,根据我的经历,提一些个人意见,
I’m glad that a new school is going to be established in my neighborhood because education is the most essential field of a nation where the students who will be the mainstay to contribute to the country in the future are nurtured.
（首先,一个经验就是你的句子不能太长,嵌套的成分不能太多.新东方老师曾经是讲过,尽量用长句,一篇GRE的ISSUE还说可以用十几个长句搞定.但是必须呈请的是,句子长可以,但是必须清楚.一句话,只要没有句号,就没算完,不一定要一口气下来.你的这句太长了,很容易让读者读着读着就忘了你前面的关系了,产生混乱.你可以把一个长句用逗号分一下,结构会清楚很多.例如,because前面就很应该加一个逗号.另外,where引导的从句里面还套了个who从句,还是一个被动态,这就有些复杂,没有必要.建议改成下面：
I’m glad that a new school is going to be established in my neighborhood,because education is the most essential field of a nation,and the students who will be the backbone to the society in the future can receive nutrition from it.
However,there are a few factors for which I oppose to the project personally should be taken into consideration.
这句还是这个问题.你的句子过于复杂化,不要刻意的堆积句子成分以延长句子.而且这句语法有点问题.there be 后面直接接了should be.建议改成：
However,I oppose to the project personally on the following factors,which should be taken into consideration.
Only viewing this problem in a more objective aspect can we find out that with the school set up,the serenity inside the community will be devastated.
是想说“仅从这个角度看”吗?Just from this point of view.
应该有一个明显的中心句,让评作文的人可以一目了然你的point of view.
“Only viewing this problem in a more objective aspect can we find out”是没有必要的.一个很大众化的方式,也是最土的方法,就用First of all.Firstly.没有什么不好的,很清楚不是?
开门见山,就说“第一,建了学校,会扰民”
First of all,the foundation of the school will broke the peace of the community.
然后详细分几个方面,说一说是怎么扰民了.
For instance,the students who commute by their families’ own vehicles could give rise to severe traffic jam in peak hours like 8am and 5pm.On the other hand,the daily activities the kids perform such as soccer and basketball are often times accompanied by yelling and shouting,and thus they would all dedicate to the disturbance of the neighborhood.
不用for instance,因为这不是事实,只能设想,可以用Imagine,或干脆不用,直接就说 XXX will .或 might.
你这两个例子不够有说服力（期间还有些语法错误,我就不改了.）
在社区里建学校,和扰民相关的最大的问题是孩子们室外活动的声音影响居民休息和工作,尤其是待在家中的病人.其次,学生大量涌入社区,给社区治安带来麻烦,难于管理,对社区居民人身财产安全带来隐患.你可以针对这两点,每点用一到两句话阐述一下.这是“扰民”方面.
The problem dose not halt at only harassing the peace.When it comes to the educational standard of this school,we could facilely ascertain that due to its recent foundation,few competent and professional teachers would be employed or even attracted to the school.With this phenomenon progressing,I deeply doubt if the school is capable to provide qualified education as the parents expected.So it’s not appropriate to set up a school without any accumulation of the outstanding staff beforehand.It’s always a better alternative to set amassing the teaching force as a priority while planning to found a high school.
这段你想谈的是学校教学质量的问题.其实这个嘛,不是你应该考虑的.不过你可以把教学质量延伸到招生情况上,这就和社区建校有关了.你可以先doubt一下教学质量,让后what'more递进一下,既然教学质量没有保障,何谈招生呢?然后再递进,如果找不上来生,那建校的project岂不是失败的?
一样,还是注意一下此段第一句,一定要清楚地表达你的观点,不一定要用非常复杂的句式.
To sum up,despite the thrift or schooling convenience a new high school establishment will bring to the neighborhood,I firmly demur this project owing to the disarray coming along with it and the quality of the school.
despite要接of
结尾可以用下面的模板
1.From what has been discussed above (Taking into account all these factors/Judging from all evidence offered),we may draw(reach/come to/arrive at) the conclusion that...
2.All the evidence discussed in the above analysis supports (justifies/confirms/warrants/points to ) my conclusion that...
以上仅代表个人观点,可能有不成熟的地方,你可以斟酌一下.