雅思作文评分____高手来帮忙改一下吧number of children who are overweight is increasing and many believe that children are not as physically fit as they used to be.What are some of the reasons for this change?What can be done to reverse

雅思作文评分____高手来帮忙改一下吧number of children who are overweight is increasing and many believe that children are not as physically fit as they used to be.What are some of the reasons for this change?What can be done to reverse
雅思作文评分____高手来帮忙改一下吧
number of children who are overweight is increasing and many believe that children are not as physically fit as they used to be.What are some of the reasons for this change?What can be done to reverse the trend?
正文:
Nowadays it becomes more and more obvious that there is an increasing number of children who are overweight.To worry about their health is not merely the duty of parents but also the whole society.
There is no doubt that it has something to do with children’s diet.Children tend to find anything delicious to eat instead of a proportional diet.Society abundant in materials leads to families abundant in nourishment.Therefore,excessive nutrition has to take responsibility for obesity problems.
It is not only children’s fault.Junk food contributes a great deal much.To keep pace with the rapidly-developed economy and satisfy the needs of consumers,food industry is making an effort to invent a wide range of food.Unfortunately,fast food is included.It is not only that people get busy with their own business but also fast food can’t be too convenient to choose.Children love fast food more when in hurry or slack.
The other reason for obesity is lack of sports.These years people pay less attention on doing exercises,children included.Too much homework or too many activities can be the excuse.
To reverse the trend means to sacrifice a lot.It is the turn for society,government and parents.The government is supposed to take measures to advocate a balanced diet and encourage industries to produce healthy food by cutting down taxes or fund the ‘green’ companies.Moreover,both society and the government should attempt to introduce the conception of keeping a proper diet into education.Advertisements shouldn’t boast junk food to tempt children.Parents also have critical importance on children’s health.They should encourage children to do sports and set themselves good examples to their children.
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雅思作文评分____高手来帮忙改一下吧number of children who are overweight is increasing and many believe that children are not as physically fit as they used to be.What are some of the reasons for this change?What can be done to reverse
开头第一段略短了些.引出问题之后,必须有一个topic sentence来概括一下全文的要点.
第二段介绍的是解决的方法之一：改变饮食习惯.按顺序应该先回答第一个问题：解释这个现象的原因.如果你想说不好的饮食习惯是原因之一的话,应该重点解释为什么不正常饮食会导致发胖.而且这一段没有开头句,无法让人一目了然.
第三段讲了第二个原因,垃圾食品.但是同样没有详细说明为什么快餐导致儿童发胖（例如含脂肪过多、缺少维生素等）
第四段给出的原因很好,缺乏锻炼.但是开头语法和逻辑错误.“other reason”应改为“another reason”,而且这应是第三个原因.这一段有点短,没有阐述充分.
最后一段最好.给出了不止一个解决建议,而且有开头句,结尾也还可.不过有些长,因为前面的supporting paragraphs那么短,显得本末倒置.
纵观全文,有语法错误但不多,结构尚可.理解了题目含义,也给出了正确回答,没有跑题.但是中式思维随处可见,这是老外很忌讳的.
考过3次雅思,以经验给分：5分