谁能帮忙打一下分数（托福作文）Topic:Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible.Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time.Which of these situations do you think is better?Use

谁能帮忙打一下分数（托福作文）Topic:Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible.Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time.Which of these situations do you think is better?Use
谁能帮忙打一下分数（托福作文）
Topic:
Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible.Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time.Which of these situations do you think is better?Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
My essay:
Nowadays,people are getting more and more independent.When people are independent from their parents,they can be free and they can get much skills from life.As far as I concerned,the situation that young adults want independent from their parents as soon as possible is better.
First of all,if people are independent from their parents,there two advantages.On the one hand,people can be free.They can eat whatever they want,while they have to eat what their parents cook for them if they live with their parents.For instance,I want to have something special to eat,but my parents cook as usually.I have no choice but eat what my parents cook for me.This may make people feel unpleasant.
On the other hand,I can learn a lot if I do not live with my parents for a very long time.I can learn how to cook,how to do houseworks and how to deal with my living things.For example,I have to learn how to cook,when I live alone.Thus,I master a skill-----cooking.What’s more,I can cook for my friends when they come to my home,which is a very pleasant thing for me.
Also,there are some advantages when people live with their parents for a very long time.They sleep for a longer time and need not to cook in the morning,because their parents can prepare breakfast for them.And they need not to do houseworks,for their parents do all for them.Nothing is more important than to learn skill.
The advantages that living with parents for a long time brings about are considerable,however they can not compete with the benefits that being independent from parents leads to,if freedom and learning skill are taken into consideration.
To sum it up,it is a good idea to be independent from families as soon as possible.

谁能帮忙打一下分数（托福作文）Topic:Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible.Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time.Which of these situations do you think is better?Use
personal rating:3
your essay is fairly organized ,with a easy and simply stucture swiftly guiding readers to undertand your "storyline".That's a good thing,keep going!However,the irritating grammar flaws and poorly dispensed examples greatly cripple the fluency and efficacy of your essay.
Here are 3 ways to help you get a higher point:
1,Pay more attention to your potential grammar mistakes.Practicing more and then you will find out that you may make the same mistakes over and over again,e.g.run on sentences,tense errors,etc.Keep your eyes on these mistakes and try to avoid them next time.
2 Think before you write the essay.Making a sketch can also help.Right now you are not successful to demonstrate your points and arguments clearly,and the examples are far too simple to be convicing .Keep in mind:persuade people,don't make fool of them.
3 Revise your transitional paragraph.To say in a blunt way,your transitional sentences make me confused and I have spent several minutes scratching my head wondering what your points are.Do not make your transtional words and expression contradict with your previous statements.There is no certain way to articulate yourself,so if you are not so proficient in making a transition,try something else.