呵呵,帮我看看这篇托福独立写作,Some people believe that students should be given one long vacation each year.Others believe that students should have several short vacations throughout the year.Which viewpoint do you agree with?文章As

呵呵,帮我看看这篇托福独立写作,Some people believe that students should be given one long vacation each year.Others believe that students should have several short vacations throughout the year.Which viewpoint do you agree with?文章As
呵呵,帮我看看这篇托福独立写作,
Some people believe that students should be given one long vacation each year.Others believe that students should have several short vacations throughout the year.Which viewpoint do you agree with?
文章
As a student in university,I strongly agree with the first opinion in this question,that is students should be given one long vacation throughout the year.Because they will enjoy more and fully relaxation,get an opportunity for internship and a long period of reunion with their family.Although,if given several short vacations,students will get more times of holidays.
All study and no play makes Jack a dull boy.Students can get more and fully relaxation after heavy learning.Adjusting themselves into a easy life.they almost can do anything,sleeping,touring,exercising……and forget the tiring thing which they may think in campus.Everything will be ok if they feel enjoy.If they choose the several short vacations,their teacher probably will assign some homework over them and they have to use most of their time to finish them.It seems that there never get the enough time to have a rest.
One long vacation also give it possible for them to get opportunities to get the internship,which is very significant for most of students.They are supposed to put what they learned in campus into practice.They can find some internship in some companies,social groups or organizations for charity.Through them,students can learn some knowledge which cannot got in books.Nevertheless,several short vacations will not help over internship for it is too short and discontinuous .They cannot obtain really and enough practice.
In a word,students will benefit a lot if they are given one long vacation instead of several short vacations.Not only can give them fully rest but also get some chances to get closely to the scoiety.I believe most of students will agree with me.What’s the opinion of those school?

呵呵,帮我看看这篇托福独立写作,Some people believe that students should be given one long vacation each year.Others believe that students should have several short vacations throughout the year.Which viewpoint do you agree with?文章As
先看语法,首句就出现错误,末尾引导的同位语从句,that后面不用is.这里that是引导词,不做成分.首段最后Although用法有误,其一般做连词,不做副词.而且,你把although放后面,虽然能表达转折关系,但是总有画蛇添足之嫌.第二段,第二行 an easy life,属于小错.第三行,省略号用在句中不妥,后面things.第四行开头,“feel enjoy”? enjoy是动词.最后一句,there be句型啊,怎么用了get.第三段,首句出错,give it possible? makes it possible. 第二行 most students才对.第四行末尾, which cannot got?情态动词后面跟原型,这句的话应改为 cannot get from books. 最后,really是副词,不能修饰名词. 最后一段,第二行Not only句缺主语. 最后一句去掉,多此一举.
看内容吧, 文章结构是选择一个观点一边倒, 中间段落写了两段,就是两个分论点,这是不够的,一般都是3个. 然后每个分论点里面只是论述,没有实际的例子来支撑,缺乏说服力,论述也过于繁琐,一句话正反说两遍.
综上,大体看了一下,你的英语基础一般,需要再补充基本的语法知识以及语感来把握长句和复合句；词组不够丰富,甚至一直出错；避免用中文的语序和写作习惯去写. 内容上,论点设立不够好,支撑的例子太少,需要多看材料积累.这篇独立写作篇幅明显偏少,如果要打分会给limited,运气好会给Fair,以同样的方式写综合写作的话,托福的作文总分不会超过23分.希望继续努力,表达从基础抓起,论据从点滴积累.祝你成功

perfect! 果断保存下来！留着以后用！

支持点评的，错误较多，很中国化的英语。。。。估计你不是英语专业的把？