能帮我改改这篇英语作文吗,what qualities must a person have to make big money?Although becoming a million or billion is not my final dream,I must acknowledge that I need to have sufficient money if I want to achieve my dream.As there are m

能帮我改改这篇英语作文吗,what qualities must a person have to make big money?Although becoming a million or billion is not my final dream,I must acknowledge that I need to have sufficient money if I want to achieve my dream.As there are m
能帮我改改这篇英语作文吗,
what qualities must a person have to make big money?
Although becoming a million or billion is not my final dream,I must acknowledge that I need to have sufficient money if I want to achieve my dream.
As there are many pretty wealthy people around us,their tough process of struggling for their dreams has a positive influence on us.
Firstly,there is no need to talk about hard-work or labors.It is a must.Then,like dedication and persistence,we should lay plenty emphasizes on them.It is obvious that one can’t make it without any contribute or firm.Moreover,it is much more likely for a integrate man to make his dream come true.On the other hand,it seems extremely awful if there is a talent man with an evil heart.Ultimately,taking action is what I figure most important.Everyone has a beautiful dream,even planning for it in detail.Why are the successful people so little?Taking action makes a great difference in our way of approaching to our target.
Ok,from now on,change your wing,and you can fly higher.

能帮我改改这篇英语作文吗,what qualities must a person have to make big money?Although becoming a million or billion is not my final dream,I must acknowledge that I need to have sufficient money if I want to achieve my dream.As there are m
总体写的很不错哦!有一些小的地方我们一起商讨下吧：（）内是改动的
1.Although becoming a (millionaire) or (billionaire) is not my final dream,你是想表达百万富翁,千万富翁的意思吧?
2.It is obvious that one can’t make it without any （contribute-endeavor） or （firm-perseverance）
没有付出和坚持,人不能成功.是这个意思吗?contribute是动词,意思是奉献
3.Ultimately,taking action is what I figure （+the）most important.最高级哦
4.Why are the successful people so （little-seldom）?成功的人很少,表示数量少一般用seldom
5.Ok,from now on,change your wing,and you can fly higher.这句话是个比喻吧--change your wings--换你的翅膀?建议换成equip your wings(复数) 强健你的翅膀

还不错啊

你好。
首先，因为是作文，所以要尽量用书面语言，个别口语词汇要改过来。
最好要提行，不然感觉杂乱。
句型相对也比较单调，感觉不太紧凑。
个别词用错了，比如刚开头的百万富翁和亿万富翁等，
有些词性混淆。
我在不损坏原文的结构上，给你重新修改了很多地方。
题目：what qualities must a person have to make b...

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你好。
首先，因为是作文，所以要尽量用书面语言，个别口语词汇要改过来。
最好要提行，不然感觉杂乱。
句型相对也比较单调，感觉不太紧凑。
个别词用错了，比如刚开头的百万富翁和亿万富翁等，
有些词性混淆。
我在不损坏原文的结构上，给你重新修改了很多地方。
题目：what qualities must a person have to make big money?
Although becoming a millionaire or billionaire is not my final goal which I must acknowledge one does need to possess sufficient money if one wants to achieve certain dream for obvious reason.
As there are a quiet few wealthy people around us, their process of relentless struggle for their dreams has been putting positive influence on us for every single moment.
Without a doubt,excessive complaint is a career killer,however dedication and persistence on which we should lay plenty emphasises,which have been pathetically ignorded by large number of people.
TIme is never late for people who sincerely possess dream and hope.
Change your wing, and you can fly higher.（最后这句话没有错，但感觉很生涩，你如果愿意，可以改成：where there is a will,there is a way 简单，切题）
斟酌了80分钟。
只是为你提供最好的参考。
希望对你有帮助。

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