小弟第一次写雅思作文,希望大虾们可以提下意见!Orz.Today some people have to work away from their family.What are the advantages and disadvantages?It is becoming common that a growing number of people work away from their family no

小弟第一次写雅思作文,希望大虾们可以提下意见!Orz.Today some people have to work away from their family.What are the advantages and disadvantages?It is becoming common that a growing number of people work away from their family no
小弟第一次写雅思作文,希望大虾们可以提下意见!Orz.
Today some people have to work away from their family.What are the advantages and disadvantages?
It is becoming common that a growing number of people work away from their family no matter they willing or not,despite various reasons.There are advantages and disadvantages.
To begin with,we can see many students graduate from colleges and start planning their development of career in big cities like Beijing,Guangzhou,which is ,however,far away from their family,because it is accepted that these international cities not only can provide the unvaluable opportunities to seek a decent job,but also there are scopes for them to promote and enhance their abilities.Besides,undoubltfully,the infrastructures and facilities which can't be appeared in some small towns offer the convenience and make the life better and more comfortable.
Yet,the other sides have always been hidden and ignored by general public.The first thing confronting people is how to conquer the loneliness.Obivously,one would lose his confidence if he can not get the way to deal with the loneliness successfully,and he might not be able to concentrate on his work.What's more,the cost living and working far away from family in developed area is relatively highter than the other places and thus,as well as the mounting pressure as the house or work would creep up on people who is in a hope of making a great fortune.
Although working away from family sounds perfect for many people,but it should be noticed that not every one adjust to this way and it should also be remembered that ,the working place is not a key point but the platform ,depends on how you take advantage.
第一次写,花了不到40分钟.
感觉好像跑题了啊,但我觉得,很多人离家远出去工作就是去大城市的,另外,有语法错误,或者哪里写得不顺或什么问题的,大家都提出来,这样小弟才能进步!
还有,字数在270,
假如没跑题,或者题目换成,为什么去大城市工作,这篇作文大概可以拿几分?

小弟第一次写雅思作文,希望大虾们可以提下意见!Orz.Today some people have to work away from their family.What are the advantages and disadvantages?It is becoming common that a growing number of people work away from their family no
Although working away from family sounds perfect for many people,but it should be noticed that not every one adjust to this way and it should also be remembered that ,the working place is not a key point but the platform ,depends on how you take advantage.
although和but不能连用."a" platform非特指."depending on"你这句话要不就断开写,太长了,自己写到最后语法都乱了.
英语作文切忌乱点逗号,长句子用不惯就断开,长句短句结合才拿分.
To begin with,we can see many students graduate from colleges and start planning their development of career in big cities like Beijing,Guangzhou,which is ,however,far away from their family,because it is accepted that these international cities not only can provide the unvaluable opportunities to seek a decent job,but also there are scopes for them to promote and enhance their abilities
第二段作为主要段落就只有两句话,上面摘的这一句太长了,语法也乱了,"but also"后面怎么能加there be呢,前面已经有cities这个主语了.there be后面的那个enhance their abilities主语在哪?
the infrastructures and facilities which can't be appeared
这个不能用被动,直接appear就可以了
第三段也是一样的问题,句子太长容易造成语法错误,作为主要段落的2,3段起码应该各有4,5个句子,段首明义,篇末总结,最好有个让步的成分在里面.语法要多加强,词汇也是,整篇有4,5个亮点词汇就足够提分了.那个《10天突破雅思作文》挺管用的,我当时复习就用的那个,不是托儿^ ^
lz加油吧