写了篇雅思大作文,求大牛批改,欢迎各种批斗It is fully justified,some people consider it in three related fields:At first place,the very short career of sports decide the high salary to sports professionals.It means the best period of

写了篇雅思大作文,求大牛批改,欢迎各种批斗It is fully justified,some people consider it in three related fields:At first place,the very short career of sports decide the high salary to sports professionals.It means the best period of
写了篇雅思大作文,求大牛批改,欢迎各种批斗
It is fully justified,some people consider it in three related fields:At first place,the very short career of sports decide the high salary to sports professionals.It means the best period of an athlete is not last long,he or she will finish the sports career around 35 years old; At second place,the budding competitors have extremely little private time as long as they make up their mind to follow the course in the supreme government sports center and take absolutely tense training as more as possible.
In other words,young athletes experience less happy at early age(10-16) and have few chance to perceive the normal daily life as other youngsters.
At third place,the feat of very excellent quality of sports professional and perfect performances in campaign are be conducted the very strict principles to choose a budding athletes.The strict rules to choose the athletes with the no-exception spirit,which give a greeting to the metal reward.Besides,the highly intensive training also need a good physical power and endurance to reach the climax.The great deal money they earn relate to how much effort they made in second and minute.
All in all,the supreme honor of country and sports professionals are not equal to how many money they can earn in their career.

写了篇雅思大作文,求大牛批改,欢迎各种批斗It is fully justified,some people consider it in three related fields:At first place,the very short career of sports decide the high salary to sports professionals.It means the best period of
我不是大牛,只是一个正在准备托福考试的考生.所以没有能力批改,倒是一些建议,
首先,作文的结构非常重要.一般来说,对于初学者来说,最好采取总——分——总的结构.
第一段：提出观点或者表明自己的立场.说实话,这一点你完全没有体现.首先不说第一句的语法问题,观点也很模糊.it 是什么?我必须读到后面的才能猜测,你这里的it 指代的是Sport?还是Sport profession?你第一句提到field.我会觉得你会讲领域之类的,可是后面的内容是跟sport 有关的什么.
第二,过渡词用得不是很好.一般内容的展开,我们都会用到首先,然后,其次之类的.这类的过渡词语很多的.比如表示首先可以用；to begin with; firstly,等等；secondly,in addition,moreover,futhermore表示然后,进一步；thirdly,lastly等等表示最后啊,第三点啦.我建议你可以去网上收集一些作为过渡性的词语,对于内容的展开有很大的帮助.
你最后一段总结不错.但是我感觉你的内容并没有论证这个观点.
我认为你太强调长句子以至于使用过于复杂反而表达不清你的意思.关于雅思我没有深入了解,但是托福的作为虽然要求考生会使用一些复杂的巨型,这是一个加分点.可是最关键的问题还是要写出文章,别人能看的懂或者容易看得懂.我个人建议,你可以先从用多用简单句把自己的意思表达清楚开始,再逐步联系使用复杂的句子.At second place,the budding competitors have extremely little private time as long as they make up their mind to follow the course in the supreme government sports center and take absolutely tense training as more as possible.你表达一旦这些学生参加了课程训练,他们就很少有个人的时间.这个句子真的太长了,我读了好几遍才明白了这个意思.当然可能跟我本身的能力有关.但是如果你把这个句子修改一下变成：Once they started to attend the courses that involve a number of intense(你用的tense,这个是表示对什么感到紧张,意思是nervous,不知道你是表达这个意思吗?)trainings in .center,they will have less private time to enjoy themselves.意思一旦他们参加了这些涉及到大量培训的课程,他们会有少量的私人时间来享受自己的生活.当然我没有说我的句子使用有多好,我只是想说,有时候用简单的话去说明一个问题可能更有助于别人理解.

建议：去句酷批改网。登陆账号，点“自制作文”输入，提交即可

在这里替你批的一般不是大牛，大牛都去挣钱去了，没空。最好的办法是请那些出广告辅导的老师，没有两下子的老师一般不会自己单干的，差一些的都去培训机构了。