求英语高手帮我改托福作文!Most high school senior students are engaging in the preparation for attending university or college.Unlike those who choose to enter the work force,they prefer to sacrifice the salaries and work experiences for t

求英语高手帮我改托福作文!Most high school senior students are engaging in the preparation for attending university or college.Unlike those who choose to enter the work force,they prefer to sacrifice the salaries and work experiences for t
求英语高手帮我改托福作文!
Most high school senior students are engaging in the preparation for attending university or college.Unlike those who choose to enter the work force,they prefer to sacrifice the salaries and work experiences for the study and life in university or college.Such a phenomenom can be explained with the value of university or college in one's study,socialization and career.
First of all,university or college provides in-depth and practical knowladge.The mode of study in university or college differs from that in high school for the reason that in university or college,students are required to do the assigned reading and then think of a topic yourself to work on and write about,instead of directly doing what the teacher asks to do.In addition,university or college has its advantages of seeking knowledge.Excellent professors are available on campus who not only make explicit explanations of the answers to the questions,but also give aspirations leading to deeper thoughts,both of which assist and encourage students to pursue the truth.Also,laboratories with advanced equipments and libraries with a huge number of books,ranging from art to science,are open for all students to acquire practical as well as theoretical knowledge.
Secondly,high school graduates get socialized during university or college life.A majority of universities or colleges are like a integration of students from various parts of the country,or even the world.Trying to get along with these students of different personalities and cultural background promote social skills.Communicating with them help you develop a habit of tolerating differences and listening to others and they are essential social skills.A variety of clubs and societies offer virtually all students on campus an opportunity to be the leader.What is more,the school counsellor is kind and competent enough to give advice and assistance in the process of running the club or societyl.From this,the qualities of an excellent leader are gradually developed.
Last but not least,a university or college diploma contributes to a satisfactory occupation.In this fiercely competive world,with the explosion of human population,being employed appears to be an arduous task,not to mention getting a job that you enjoy and receive high salaries.A recent survey reveals that in 10 major cities in the US,the average salary of high school graudates is 46.5% lower than university or college graduates and 78.1% of them show satisfaction to their job,a relatively large proportion compared to 23.1% of high school graduates who find pleasure in their work.Consequently,students generally choose to go to univesity or college,not directly go to work.
Taking the three reasons above into account,we can safely draw the conclusion that the advantages in study,socialization and career encourage students to attend university or college.

求英语高手帮我改托福作文!Most high school senior students are engaging in the preparation for attending university or college.Unlike those who choose to enter the work force,they prefer to sacrifice the salaries and work experiences for t
1.phenomenom：用词不当,这个词主要指自然现象,如“厄尔尼诺现象”.
2.“Such a phenomenom can be explained with the value of university or college in one's study,socialization and career.”这句话太过中国了.实际上在写作中能不用被动就不要用被动.相比于主动语态,更多时候被动语态是被作为“awkward expression”的,SAT语法中有详解.另外“value”应该为“importance”
3.“professors are available on campus who not only make explicit explanations ” 你看看你的who代指的什么东西."both of which "貌似which不能跨句指代诶."Excellent professors who not only make explicit explanations of the answers to the questions,but also give aspirations leading to deeper thoughts are available on campus,assisting and encouraging students to pursue the truth."这是我改的.
4.equipment不可数
5.libraries with a huge number of books,ranging from art to science.“ranging”在这里指的不是你要指代的书,而是libraries.把逗号去掉直接books ranging.才是指代books.
6.A majority of universities or colleges are 都是a...了还用are?
7.Trying to get along with these students of different personalities and cultural background promote social skills.这.不能算句子了,没有主谓宾关系.
8.Communicating with them help you develop a habit of tolerating differences and listening to others and they are essential .“they”可以指代differences,可以指代others,歧义太大.改成which.
9.From this,the qualities of an excellent leader are gradually developed.又见中国语法,this不可以作代词,必须放在名词之前,所以this is why什么的全错.见SAT语法部分.
10.being尽量不要用,也是个awkward expression.详见SAT语法.
11.not to mention.好中国.英文里这句话用let alone.
12.the average salary of high school graudates is 46.5% lower than university or college graduates .比较对象错误,改为“the average salary of high school graudates is 46.5% lower than that of university or college graduates .”
13.the average salary of high school graudates is 46.5% lower than university or college graduates and 78.1% of them show satisfaction to their job,还是那句话“them”指代那个?high school graudates?college graduates
14.Consequently,students generally choose to go to univesity or college,not directly go to work.典型的“run-on sentence”choose和go都是动词,中间却没有连词(conj.)连接.用个rather than就行了.
整体上挺有想法,但语法不好,太模式化,太中国,太不注意,可以看出你很用心的想用多点语法,可实际上托福写作中最重要的是流畅性和native.你想想中国人写文章的时候会绞尽脑汁变来变去吗?其实便于理解才是好的.另外多用动词,不要总是用名词什么的.英语中动词>名词,主动>被动,关键是要便于理解.大学我不知道,中国高中为止的语法很多都是错误的.建议去学一下SAT语法.
另外development部分不够,一段中理由太多,很多时候只说了"对.有好处"而没有说为什么有好处,并不是要你举例子,而是想写中文那样用英语去论述,没有例子也可以的.词汇也稍显单调.
不要把托福写作当回事,它实际上就是篇小作文,不需要你去炫耀什么的.
加油吧,本人写作部分30分满分,应该是有资格提这些建议的.