请帮忙给我的托福作文打分~请懂托福作文打分的或者作文达人打个分（我指30分满分的那种）,因为想知道自己的水平如何,这是我头一次写的两篇（另一篇打不下我重发一个提问）,虽然只有

请帮忙给我的托福作文打分~请懂托福作文打分的或者作文达人打个分（我指30分满分的那种）,因为想知道自己的水平如何,这是我头一次写的两篇（另一篇打不下我重发一个提问）,虽然只有
请帮忙给我的托福作文打分~
请懂托福作文打分的或者作文达人打个分（我指30分满分的那种）,因为想知道自己的水平如何,这是我头一次写的两篇（另一篇打不下我重发一个提问）,虽然只有独立写作的,但是也请按照30满分的那个标准~如果可以顺便说一下5分满分的也可以,但是请先告诉我30分的~
People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example,new experiences,career preparation,increased knowledge).Why do you think people attend college or university?Use specific examples to support your answer.
The Reasons People Enter University
In this fast-paced,driven society,people are becoming more and more competitive.Many people choose to get a university diploma to make them more appealing when applying for jobs.This is now a very common phenomenon in our daily life.We can also become one of these people.
Several decades ago,when our parents and grandparents attended college or university,their motives might be a little simpler.Long ago,receiving university education is a symbol of a knowledgeable,respectful person.People attend university to gain knowledge.In fact,most students attend college and university just to make them sagacious until nowadays.Some of them have real passion for books,so they choose to receive higher education to absorb more knowledge.
With the great change of the society,more students attend university for other reasons.Some practical students may say that they enter university to learn skills and professional knowledge so that they can have a certain job after graduation.Some students will also say that the most precious thing college study gives them is experiences,which is of great help to them when they finally start to work.All these occasions indicate that university education benefits them greatly when they begin to work.With a bachelor’s diploma,a candidate has more chances to beat another candidate who is merely graduated from high school.With the experiences and knowledge gained from university,people can work favorably,even when they are facing difficult decisions.
Whatever a fresh man’s motive is when he or she attend university,university study will benefit him/her when they apply for jobs and begin to work.I think every person knows it.People go to college and university for two reasons,love for knowledge or wanting to benefit their later life when they start to do their jobs.
我不需要安慰,尽情地打击我没关系~我只要实话,这样的写作水平我上托福考场写作部分能多少分?还有如果有什么修改意见的话能提出来最好,我会另加分.
很感谢monseneu的回答
但是还有没有人愿意再提点建议的呢,

请帮忙给我的托福作文打分~请懂托福作文打分的或者作文达人打个分（我指30分满分的那种）,因为想知道自己的水平如何,这是我头一次写的两篇（另一篇打不下我重发一个提问）,虽然只有
专业作文批改,可以百度Hi我