请大家给我的托福作文评分,指点一下,谢谢For successful development of a country, should a government focus its budget more on very young children rather than on universities?Pythagoras interpreted the universe through numbers. He was

请大家给我的托福作文评分,指点一下,谢谢For successful development of a country, should a government focus its budget more on very young children rather than on universities?Pythagoras interpreted the universe through numbers. He was
请大家给我的托福作文评分,指点一下,谢谢
For successful development of a country, should a government focus its budget more on very young children rather than on universities?
Pythagoras interpreted the universe through numbers. He was a philosopher and a mathematician in ancient Greek, and he knew the importance of learning very well. Pythagoras lived a long time ago, but many things remained the same, like the significance of education for both individuals and the society.
As a student, we study nearly all the theories concluded and discovered by our ancestors from the period when we were very young children. It is true that we should learn things when we were in kindergarten, the kindergarten teaches every person what the world is by teaching you touching and feeling from the very basis. Not only does the young child’s education develop the habit of learning, but also the etiquette of communicating with people. But to compare it with the university education, I feel that the university education is of greater importance, and is worthy of more financial budget from a country. The reasons are as follows.
High-level education acts as a significant role in the development of a country. The U.S is the most powerful country in the world and the U.S also has the one of the most efficient high-level educational systems in the world. That’s the reason why there are so many foreign students studying in the U.S. It can be concluded that the high-level education contributes a lot to the U.S in various aspects featuring modern-technique, business, traveling and so on.
What’s more, the universities actually need more money to help the professors and the students to do some research, while the young children only need money to build their houses, set the medical care system and other very basic requirements.
There is no doubt that both very young children’s education and the university education are very important to the development of a country. The university is more worthwhile to the budget of a country.

请大家给我的托福作文评分,指点一下,谢谢For successful development of a country, should a government focus its budget more on very young children rather than on universities?Pythagoras interpreted the universe through numbers. He was
我托福是很久以前考的,大部分要求都忘了,不过我可以给你几点意见.
1.你的观点为什么不一上来就表达清楚呢?在美国,所有人都喜欢一句话,Time is money,没有人表达意思会绕弯弯,美国人习惯开头一两句直接把自己的观点说出来,直接说政府应该注重小孩的教育还是大学教育就可以了,像你这样的开头段让人看的云里雾里的,印象很不好.
2.Pythagoras interpreted the universe through numbers.He was a philosopher and a mathematician in ancient Greek,and he knew the importance of learning very well.这样写很业余唉,应该这样：Pythagoras,a philosopher and a mathematician in ancient Greek who interpreted the universe through numbers,knew the importance of learning very well.这样才是受过教育的人写出的东西.你里面很多句子都有这种问题,语法像小孩子说话似地.
3.全文的总体结构不鲜明,在美国,大家写东西都喜欢用3或5段式,这样的文章清楚明白,一看就知道要说什么,你这样的文章如果在学校里交上去绝对会被老师说一顿（老师很少说一顿学生的）.
其实还有不少别的问题,不过这3个最明显了,虽然没有评分,不过我说这样的文章肯定得不了高分的.追问感谢您的回答!那请问有没有什么方法可以迅速提高一些呢