请帮忙修改雅思小作文开头段语法错误The first bar chart indicateds the fluctuation of two reasons for study amoung people of different age groups.While with age grow up the percentage of carrer takes on decline trend,the percentage of

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请帮忙修改雅思小作文开头段语法错误Thefirstbarchartindicatedsthefluctuationoftworeasonsforstudyamoungpeopleofdifferent

请帮忙修改雅思小作文开头段语法错误The first bar chart indicateds the fluctuation of two reasons for study amoung people of different age groups.While with age grow up the percentage of carrer takes on decline trend,the percentage of
请帮忙修改雅思小作文开头段语法错误
The first bar chart indicateds the fluctuation of two reasons for study amoung people of different age groups.While with age grow up the percentage of carrer takes on decline trend,the percentage of interest take on increase trend.
我语法上有错while后面好像不能加with是吗?我想写的是随着.的增长.而上升下降在句子中我写while是想写成对比句请帮我改下我的句子还有grow 是否要写成加ing的形式?

请帮忙修改雅思小作文开头段语法错误The first bar chart indicateds the fluctuation of two reasons for study amoung people of different age groups.While with age grow up the percentage of carrer takes on decline trend,the percentage of
建议可以这样修改：
As the age grows up,the percentage of carrer takes on a decline trend,while the one of interest takes on a increase trend.
修改说明：
As引导的短语做句子的伴随状语,接下来是while连接的含有对比意义的句子,其中,while后面的one是代词,为避免重复,one指代上个分句的percentage.grow和take需要加s,因为句子主语是第三人称单数形式.
由于没有看到该作文的题头,本次修改仅仅是做了语法上的修改,至于句子的用词请作者好好斟酌.

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