请高人帮忙修改一下英文个人陈述.虽费点时间但一定再追加分数!先谢!着眼语法,用词,衔接方面,其他方面能指出更好!The person,who influenced me most,was Mendeleev other than my parents.He categorized chemical el

请高人帮忙修改一下英文个人陈述.虽费点时间但一定再追加分数!先谢!着眼语法,用词,衔接方面,其他方面能指出更好!The person,who influenced me most,was Mendeleev other than my parents.He categorized chemical el
请高人帮忙修改一下英文个人陈述.虽费点时间但一定再追加分数!先谢!
着眼语法,用词,衔接方面,其他方面能指出更好!
The person,who influenced me most,was Mendeleev other than my parents.He categorized chemical elements from a mass of disorder.With tremendous courage and confidence he never feared the accusations and mocks from some famous chemists.His persistence and strong belief won my respect and admiration.Therefore,I chose Chemistry as my college major,and I dream to create a new world just like Mendeleev did.
With the development of chemistry,my interest in Chemistry has grown from simple attraction to serious involvement.Chemistry is everywhere in our daily live.What attracts me the most is that chemistry was not only about pure theory; it can be applied to real life every day.In order to achieve my goal,I have made diligent effort to prepare for my future research,from passable(?) work and simple reports initially to much mature design work that I have accomplished within my colleague years.I hope one day I can apply these theories to real practice to help people solve problems they have encountered,just like Mendeleev,who turned simple card games into scientific elemental cycle rate.
The first research project I participated in was the synthesis of a series of Fluoren-9-ones,which are usually used as organic light-emitting materials.After detailed investigation of references,I found that the modification of Fluorenone is mainly synthesized by the 9H-fluorene alkaline oxidation.However,the use of large excess quantities of both reagents and volume of solvent in most of these procedures,along with the difficult work-up of the environmentally hazardous chromium residues makes such procedures inconvenient on a commercial scale.In order to improve the existing methods,I focused on the optimization of the reaction conditions.However,various results are reported by different researchers with diverse bases and solvents.By selecting different bases,as well as changing their concentration,the best yield merely reaches about 80%.Intuitively; I realized that it may be possible to improve the efficiency of the reaction.Generally,oxidation reactions are exothermic,and high reaction temperature is not conducive to the completeness of exothermic reaction.However,using different solvents can control the reaction temperature,which provides a favorable reaction condition.Fortunately,this has been supported by references.After optimization,our yield is no less than 90% in the most case.With the optimized conditions,a series of compounds are obtained with good yields,which proves my idea is correct.Based on the result of our research,I won the first prize in the Extracurricular Scientific Works Contest of our university.And the program also entered the eleventh Challenger Cup in the provincial and the National Challenger Cup.Currently,I am testing the fluorescence behavior of these compounds in solution in order to find the influence of different substitutes.
As my project progresses,I realized that only hard work can lead to good results.Although I had to work until 11pm every night,my effort had finally paid off,making the reaction more efficient and environmentally more friendly.It is the significance of science,the charm of chemistry,a profound understanding of pleasure and pursuit of truth that puts my interest into the peak.In order to fulfill my dream,I have made up my mind to devote myself to chemistry research.
In sum,I am deeply attracted by the education system,research concepts,and lab environment of Xxx University.Your school offers the most advanced research accomplishments in chemical field.I believe I can rapidly adapt to the research environment at your school,thanks to my solid theoretical knowledge and research experience gained via hard work in my 3 years of college to date.Meanwhile I do hope to make meaningful contributions to the chemistry study and development in my academic career.

请高人帮忙修改一下英文个人陈述.虽费点时间但一定再追加分数!先谢!着眼语法,用词,衔接方面,其他方面能指出更好!The person,who influenced me most,was Mendeleev other than my parents.He categorized chemical el
看得出真的是费了不少力气写的……
不是不给你改,是觉得你这个文章的本体就不是很合适.
和一些写的太概括的类型正好相反,你有些地方写的太细了,尤其是最后一段关于芴酮的研究不如换个角度,把故事变成证明你能力的证据,而不是讲完故事在里面穿插结论.
毕竟,英文阅读一般都力求结构清晰意思明确,个人鉴定陈述与其写成这样,不如说成自己有哪些特长,再用这个例子来逐一证明.这才够说服力,那些老师没空去做阅读理解和归纳总结的.
还有关于对门捷列夫的崇拜,这些表示兴趣的也许可以找更形象的例子吧……
然后是就语法,看得出你是真的很认真的写的啊,不过好像有些细节得注意一下.
第一段的最大的问题在于第三人称和第一人称的混乱.
The person,who...He...His...然后突然变成了Therefore,I...后面更是全都是第一人称.
虽然我不说你是抄来的,但是阅读的老师绝对会产生怀疑的.
第二段第一句其实我就很诡异,
With the development of chemistry,my interest in Chemistry has grown from simple attraction to serious involvement.
主语是my interest,那这个With the development of chemistry怎么修饰my interest?化学的进步发展和你的兴趣之间似乎用with显得连接很弱.
第二句,not only...but also更好,分号没错但是没道理,而且it指代模糊,指的是pure theory?还是chemistry?
第三句,你的Goal是什么?另外much mature design work这样的如果指的是设计或作品,也许是可数的.另passable……还是换个别的词,充分的,什么的都比这个好.
第四句,帮人们解决问题,这不是门捷列夫的那些周期表干的事情吧.基础研究和应用技术是两回事吧?
第三段第四段 就像上面提到的,请不要把总结工作留给阅读的人.提出你的要点,再描述更好.
另外,建议使用一些动词表示你的能力,比如：After detailed investigation of references,I found that the...写成Investigating detailed references,I found that the...更有力量和简洁吧?
Generally,oxidation reactions are exothermic,and high reaction temperature is not conducive to the completeness of exothermic reaction.
这个似乎是阐述上一个论点的具体内容,建议写个表示的连词提示关系.
另外这个复句似乎有点模糊.你是要表达是“一般,氧化作用放热,但是化学放热造成的高温反而削弱了化合反应”吗?
我看着怎么读着像“高化和温度对完全的化学放热没有帮助”?可能是我不专业吧,不过我读着很费解.
另外,Project,Research,Program,这个项目被你去了这么多名字,干脆写清楚吧,比如叫ABC Project.
“And the program also entered”,我读着甚至可以误解为这个Program是上一句的Extracurricular Scientific Works Contest.
“As my project progresses,I realized” 时态混乱.
“It is the significance of science,the charm of chemistry,a profound understanding of pleasure and pursuit of truth”
排比很好,但是最好保证一致性,后两个都换成the吧.另外,不觉得it is A,B,C and D,这个it用得诡异吗……
最后一段,In sum,I am deeply attracted by...你前面写的居然能总结出来你被吸引了?完全没写过人家啊……
证明自己对对方有用,这个其实该放到最前面去,其实比起你是否能充分利用学校,学校更看重的是你能否给学校带来好处.
另外 thanks to my solid,没这么不谦虚的;P,换个表达原因的词组吧.
Meanwhile I do hope to make meaningful contributions to the chemistry study and development in my academic career.
首先,meanwhile和I中间应该加逗号.另外,你严重的希望对你自己的学业和学习作出有意义的贡献……这个……是保证你自己对自己的鞭策还是你想说其实你想对学校的研究呢?总之意思感觉不太对.
整体来看,我觉得你的回答没有集中在人家最关心的问题上.
1.Why do you apply?
2.Why our school?
3.Why we choose you?
X.学校可能还有别的一些要求,比如你将来的发展计划之类的.
你的文章里面潜藏了这些回答,但是不是没指明就是没写清理由.
说是要为了人类应用化学而奋斗,但是这并不是你的未来的明确的计划.
我也在计划申请,以上一点点非专业的建议,希望对你有用啊.
总之,共勉,加油!