〔雅思〕谁能帮忙给这篇作文打下分并指出不足〔雅思〕Question:Schools should teach children academic subjects which will be beneficial to them in their future careers.In so saying,subjects such as music or sports are not importa

〔雅思〕谁能帮忙给这篇作文打下分并指出不足〔雅思〕Question:Schools should teach children academic subjects which will be beneficial to them in their future careers.In so saying,subjects such as music or sports are not importa
〔雅思〕谁能帮忙给这篇作文打下分并指出不足〔雅思〕
Question:Schools should teach children academic subjects which will be beneficial to them in their future careers.In so saying,subjects such as music or sports are not important.To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In recent years,public attention to education issues is rising rapidly as more people are willing to receive better education.One of the opinions is that since it is the academic subjects that contribute to their future career,the non-academic subjects don’t seem so important and beneficial compared to the former ones.In this essay,I’ll give reasons as to why I disagree with this opinion and why the two kinds of subjects are both of vital importance.
Nowadays,students tend to be under much greater pressure and stress than before and in turn,suffer from a lack of relaxation.The non-academic subjects could provide the students with a change in the pace of study and at the same time reduce the tedium and monotony of school life.Take music course as an example,students are able to get relaxed completely during a music course after a boring day.
Another reason why non-academic subjects are essential is that these subjects aim at cultivating personal interests and practical skills which are necessary for the students to become well-rounded individuals.For instance,courses in terms of sports can successfully provide students with social skills such as teamworking ability,leadership skill,interpersonal skill as well as communication skill.
However,those opposed to the view given above state that overemphasis on the non-academic subject can adversely affect study efficiency because of the limited time and energy students nowadays have.Despite of the truth of this point of view,a better solution can be utilized.Schools could provide non-academic subjects as an optional aspect of the curriculum.By doing so,students have the opportunity to pursue a broader range of interest provided they have sufficient time and energy.
In summary,while the academic subjects are the main factors that help students with their future career,non-academic subjects also contribute to the development of their personal and social skills.Thus,schools could teach academic subjects as a main part of curriculum and at the same time teach non-academic subjects in order to provide a well-rounded education to the students.

〔雅思〕谁能帮忙给这篇作文打下分并指出不足〔雅思〕Question:Schools should teach children academic subjects which will be beneficial to them in their future careers.In so saying,subjects such as music or sports are not importa
应该是6吧
可以看出来你对雅思的写作下了很多功夫
文章中可以很明显地看到雅思经典套句
有的句子我考的时候也用过呢~
给你一点建议吧 个人意见
1.结构 从结构来看 你是习惯写五段式的 不过我认为你应该在中间三段中加重前两段的分量 让步段通常是要少于前两个论证段的 当然了具体怎么写还是看你的想法 不过既然选择五段式 而且不是native speaker的情况下 还是要中规中矩地遵从习惯吧
2.句式 我想句型应该更加多变一些 这个并不难 你只要再写的时候记住 这一句写了主谓结构 下一句就一定用别的就行了 常用的海不容易错的 比如 正常句型 倒装 被动语态 强调句 there be 句型等等 句型多变是写作成功的重要因素
3.词汇 多运用四六级词汇而不是高中英语词汇 以你的第一段为例 rising rapidly 这里的rapidly就是一个应该被换掉的词 换成dramatically considerably significantly等等 另如I disagree这些词汇像agree disagree在老外眼中是见得最多的 也就最不容易拿分 你可以说 You hold the view 或者vote for
总之这是我的一些小小的建议
不过看你这篇文章 考试的时候如果能够控制住字数
并且能够按时间完成的话 6分是没有问题的
都是考过雅思的朋友