【高分求批改作文】托福TPO12的独立写作.TPO12:It is better to have broad knowledgeof many academic subjects than to specialize in one specific subject. 最近写作文总是觉得前面写的比较松,后面就写的特别仓促.求大

【高分求批改作文】托福TPO12的独立写作.TPO12:It is better to have broad knowledgeof many academic subjects than to specialize in one specific subject. 最近写作文总是觉得前面写的比较松,后面就写的特别仓促.求大
【高分求批改作文】托福TPO12的独立写作.
TPO12:It is better to have broad knowledgeof many academic subjects than to specialize in one specific subject.
 

最近写作文总是觉得前面写的比较松,后面就写的特别仓促.求大神狠批,除了语法错误外还要指出文章结构立意,句式词汇多样性等等.

【高分求批改作文】托福TPO12的独立写作.TPO12:It is better to have broad knowledgeof many academic subjects than to specialize in one specific subject. 最近写作文总是觉得前面写的比较松,后面就写的特别仓促.求大
首先声明一下： 真的写的不错,我绝对是鸡蛋里挑骨头.若有不妥之处,请见谅啊 :-)

第一段第一行: …better than have broad knowledge… better than的比较对象是名词的形式所以后面改为having broad knowledge
第二行： it can give people… give是口语化词汇,意思太多,建议写作不要用.改为offer
The most difficult 过于绝对化,建议把the most去掉
第四行: like是口语化词汇,改为such as

第二段第一行: make speople easier to change their jobs.. 这句话感觉也比较口语化,可以改为: …larger range of knowledge renders people the opportunities to adjust their career path when…
第二行： find some areas are not promising… 正确用法: find sth + adj 所以改为find some areas unpromising
第四行: 前面用过enough了,所以这里改为adequate
Find some area’s scope… some area前面出现过,为了保证用词多样性,改为certain domain’s scope
倒数第二行：又一次出现larger range of knowledge,可简洁的改为more know-how

第三段第一行: benefit的通常用法是benefit sb, 或者 benefitsth. 建议改为:benefit people who work in interdisciplinary areas. 去掉了some, 因为这个词出现过几次
第二行: 21th 改为 21st century
第三行: 建议把interdisciplinary areas 改为 interdisciplinary talents 21世纪属于复合型人才可能更恰当一些
第四行: merely knowledge 副词merely不能修饰名词knowledge,改为one with the mere knowledge of …
第五行: …one owns broad knowledge of… own通常指拥有的物品,知识的话建议用“习得或掌握”改为one grasps / acquires the knowledge of…
第六行：既然前面用了one,这里用he就不合适了.为什么不是she呢?建议还是沿用one
Interdisciplinary 出现过很多次,不妨把这句话变成 could one work in various fields…

第四段第一行: having alarge range of knowledge..出现过几次了,建议改为 wide scope of knowledge
第五行：前面出现过thinking methods,这里可以用thinking patterns
There is no thinking way could be perfect… 没有一种思维方式是完美的?语法有问题,有两个系动词is和 could be. 另外,这句话的表达比较中式,根据你后面的句意,这里建议改为: Since one way of thinking might cause myopia
最后一行: consider a thing… thing建议不要在托福作文出现,因为意思太多,比较口语化.你的最后一句话可以写： Since one way of thinking might cause myopia, considering as many perspectives as we can would be more beneficial.

最后一段第一行： a broad range of knowledge… a narrow range of knowledge… 感觉有一些啰嗦,并且a… of knowledge 出现过几次了.可以改为In a nutshell, erudition is much better than specializing in one area because…
第三行: interdisciplinary 过于高频,改为diversified