求批改托福作文A person’s job has more effects on his or her happinessA person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.For recent years,along with the speedy advancement of modern society,we have

求批改托福作文A person’s job has more effects on his or her happinessA person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.For recent years,along with the speedy advancement of modern society,we have
求批改托福作文A person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness
A person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.
For recent years,along with the speedy advancement of modern society,we have been immersed in happiness of living and working.When it comes to happiness,no one could deny that happiness is one of the most significant dreams that people pursue.It is undoubted that we spend most of our time on jobs and social life.So some people argue that we could gain more happiness from our job compared to our social life,whereas others against this idea.Thus,a hot question has been put forward; does job influence our happiness more than social life?As far as I am concerned,my answer to this question should be an absolute yes for the following reasons.
In the first place,it is essential to have a job because of the high salary brought mainly by job.To be specific,people nowadays spend most of their time on coping with files in workplace,getting along well with their colleagues and bosses.The final consequence is that we could gain high salary due we try to work hard.Although sometimes we feel very tired after several hours working,we are still delighted due to the appealing rewards.For instance,my father is an engineering who always stay up late at night.Last year,he had to accomplish a large project which was assigned by his boss.Thus,he had immersed himself in working and had isolated from any social life within a longer period.As a result,my father felt happy due to his rewards gives our family a high quality of life.
In the second place,thanks
In the second place,when it comes to individual’s career,it is a dream that everyone want to achieve it.Since we were at a young age,our parents always asked a same question,what’s your dream job in the future?Being a scientist?Being a doctor?Being a teacher?Being engineering?It means that job help us to achieve social value and therefore bring us happiness.Imagine being a scientist enable to improve the development of science,being a doctor enable to save patients’ life,being a teacher enable cultivate a promising generation,not to mention being engineering help people to appreciate magnificent architecture.Obviously,jobs provide us to get sense of achievement,which is a crucial factor of happiness.Thus,I would like to say few people consider their social life as a sigh of happiness.
Admittedly,due to we shoulder a heavy pressure from our work,social life also is an indispensable part of our lives,which help me to relax.Examples abound,traveling with friends,shopping with others,reading newspaper as well as falling in love.Whereas compared with job,the happiness that social life brings is less than job does.
In conclusion,due to accomplishment brought by job and high rewards,it is advisable to say job imposes a larger influence on people’s happiness than social life does.

求批改托福作文A person’s job has more effects on his or her happinessA person’s job has more effects on his or her happiness than this person’s social life does.For recent years,along with the speedy advancement of modern society,we have
总体来说,这是一篇不错的toefl作文,两个理由都比较充分.第四段是想写让步段吧,不过这个段落没写出说服力,在考试的时候建议不写,toefl考试作文其实只要给出观点,写出支持观点的两个理由,最后总结就可以了.下面说一下一些细节问题吧...
due to在文中出现的太过于频繁,其实可due to一样表原因的词有很多,如because,because of,for,in that...这些词在表示原因的时候都可以替换,不过注意有些后面是接句子,有些是接短语.
文中出现了一部分主谓不一致,或者是名词单复数的问题等细节性问题,这个虽然在toefl考试中不会有太大的影响,不过注意一下比较好,如第一段,whereas others against this idea,应该是whereas others are against this idea,does job influence our happiness应该是does a job influence our happiness,后文中job的单复数问题出现了几次,这里就不一一找出了.
关于句式问题,整体看上去,句式有些单一,有些地方有些冗长,如第三段Being a scientist?Being a doctor?Being a teacher?Being engineering?其实这个地方可以就这样写Being a scientist,a doctor,a teacher or an engineer?后面几个并列句形式也太单一,Imagine being a scientist enable to improve the development of science,being a doctor enable to save patients’ life,being a teacher enable cultivate a promising generation,not to mention being engineering help people to appreciate magnificent architecture.可以修改一下,(这里只丰富一下每句话,亲可以使用不同的句型自己串起来) a scientist can help to facilitate the development of science field.a doctor enables to diagnose patients' diseases and know the most efficient remedy.a teacher is supposed to cultivate a promisng generation.an engineer can devise many magnificent buildings.另外,文中的句式主要是简单句和复合句,句子可以考虑从倒装,加入从句,使用修饰定语等等方面出发.
文章整体不错,多练习肯定能拿高分的,加油^ ^