这样的雅思作文能得6分吗?Some people think we need more female leaders to create world peace and reduce violence. To what extent do you agree?With the progress of feminine activity, women nowadays have higher social status and are entitled

这样的雅思作文能得6分吗?Some people think we need more female leaders to create world peace and reduce violence. To what extent do you agree?With the progress of feminine activity, women nowadays have higher social status and are entitled
这样的雅思作文能得6分吗?
Some people think we need more female leaders to create world peace and reduce violence. To what extent do you agree?
With the progress of feminine activity, women nowadays have higher social status and are entitled to take positions in some multinational corporations and organizations. Compared with their male counterparts, females tend to be more considerate, gentle and patient, which would be crucial in dealing with international affairs, specially conflicts and wars. Therefore, some propose that if we make more female leaders, then the world can be more peaceful.
It is undeniable that women play a pivotal role in human history. Regardless of nationality and ethnicity, women are deemed as an important role of giving birth and raise the offspring. Because of this, people often neglect their other innate merits, like goodness and carefulness. Researches conducted worldwide have revealed that due to the distinct physical structure and different education, differentiated with men. Women can better control their emotions and concentrate on the jobs. In addition, hundreds of successful stories about leadership of female prove such argument. So it makes sense that some people believe that women leaders might better prevent occurrence of conflicts.
Nevertheless, to be a good leader, women have some deficiencies, like lack of bravery and courage. Leadership requires candidates to be more aggressive so that most of them are not suit for this position. Furthermore, women nowadays still bear the responsibility of bringing up their children and do household chores, which almost leave them nearly no time and energy in the workplace, of course, except for some superwomen.
However, in my opinion, more female leaders still can not contribute to a world peace, albeit mild temper. And meantime it is not an effective solution to eliminate wars and conflicts in some areas. We need analyze deeper causes behind them, such as ethnical discriminations or territory disputes. Only in this way can we create a more peaceful world.
To conclude, women should be encouraged to participate in international affairs including wars and conflicts. But they can not prevent them as some assert.

这样的雅思作文能得6分吗?Some people think we need more female leaders to create world peace and reduce violence. To what extent do you agree?With the progress of feminine activity, women nowadays have higher social status and are entitled
你的用词方面做得很好,也就是说词汇量不错,而且多是比较正式的词语.但是,文章中有几处硬伤.
1.你的thesis statement(论点)没有在第一段呈现出来,这是最为致命的失误.这导致了你的第二段和第三段都是在谈现象.
2.到了第四段,刚要给出自己的论点时,又没有给出充分的证据,进而草草收尾.
所以整篇文章缺乏逻辑,且结构混乱,需要做比较大的修改.以我考雅思的经验,现在这篇短文可能还拿不到6分,顶多5.5.