这样的雅思作文能得几分?说明:我的目标只是5至5.5 请问可以达到吗?some people claim that public museums and art galleries will not be needed because people can see historical objects and works by using computer.作文如下In c

这样的雅思作文能得几分?说明:我的目标只是5至5.5 请问可以达到吗?some people claim that public museums and art galleries will not be needed because people can see historical objects and works by using computer.作文如下In c
这样的雅思作文能得几分?
说明:我的目标只是5至5.5 请问可以达到吗?
some people claim that public museums and art galleries will not be needed because people can see historical objects and works by using computer.
作文如下
In current society,it is a well-know fact that computer plays a key role in our lives,and some people claim that public museums and art galleries will not be needed because people can see historical objects and works by using computer.When asked about whether this idea is right,people hold divergent view.From my own perspective,I think their view is unconvincing.
Of course,it is true that people see historical objects and works by using computer,which may bring some upside.To begin with,there is more comfortable of seeing historical objects and works by computer.It is clearly that you can drinking and eating when you see them by computer.Moreover,It is easier for people.It seems that you do not travel around the world and you can see all the historical objects and works around world.
Having said this,however we still need public museums and art galleries.In the first place,you can’t know all about it just through the computer.It is fact that you can know how great the great wall is when you stand in front of it.In the second place,you can’t touch it through computer.It seems to say you can’t know what a real it likes.Last but not least,it shows the culture of that country.as a matter of fact,any country don’t want to lose their culture.That is the thing,which computer can’t replace.
On the basis of the above discussion,the computer has given us a lot of convenience.We can see any historical objects and works by it.But we still need public museums and art galleries.Overall,we should preserve historical objects and works and get it known by everyone.
麻烦回答的细致一些 哪些有错误 哪些有待提高

这样的雅思作文能得几分?说明:我的目标只是5至5.5 请问可以达到吗?some people claim that public museums and art galleries will not be needed because people can see historical objects and works by using computer.作文如下In c
个人认为不会高过5分
第一段照抄题目,要扣分的.When asked about whether this idea is right,people hold divergent view.这句话完全没必要,显得很罗索.
第二段主题句不明确,建议养成把主题句放在段首,并用连接词标明逻辑结构.而且这里让步让得太早,走的是中国作文“先抑后扬”的路子,而不是老外“the most important thing comes first”的思维.可以把这段相关内容移到最后.
第三段逻辑主题明确,结构很清楚,一目了然.但是句子写得很混乱,误用短语和搭配的情况很严重.三点论据中前两点重复,第三点则没说清楚为什么“没有museusm就没有culture”.
最后一段的错误是致命的.第一句总结出来的summary竟然是电脑很重要!而本应是论点的句子却被不起眼的still need引领,显得苍白无力.最后一句想号召一下是可以的,但却喊了个“保护文物”的口号,与论题完全无关.
整体来说,文章缺乏说服力,难以自圆其说,而且逻辑不够清晰.除此之外,正如yoor兄所说,词汇太不official,且缺乏丰富的同义词变换（lexical resource问题）.虽然试图使用一些短语,但出错率很高.比如既然用了From my own perspective,后面就不要再用I think.再如这句It is fact that you can know how great the great wall is when you stand in front of it.我们自己人明白你想说什么,不过估计考官看了对你的语法和词汇分数会大打折扣的.
建议楼主循序渐进,多做句式词汇语法方面的基础练习,而不是死记硬背一些看似华丽的短语和搭配,在作文方面尚有很大的提高空间.