请各位托福牛人帮忙看看这篇托福作文能有多少分 请尽量找茬!Depending on personal experience,personality type and emotional concern,we find that some people hold the idea that businesses should hire employees for their entire l

请各位托福牛人帮忙看看这篇托福作文能有多少分 请尽量找茬!Depending on personal experience,personality type and emotional concern,we find that some people hold the idea that businesses should hire employees for their entire l
请各位托福牛人帮忙看看这篇托福作文能有多少分 请尽量找茬!
Depending on personal experience,personality type and emotional concern,we find that some people hold the idea that businesses should hire employees for their entire lives meanwhile others do not think so.And I think it is better not to hire people for their whole lives.
Among countless factors come into my mind,I would explore only a few of the most integral ones here.
First of all,an employee is hired for the whole life has no hope to change his or her job.If a diligent person with innate talent is hired by a small company and can never find a new job to show his or her ability and prowess.That would be a giant waste in this urban life as the knowledge is the power.
This is arbitrary to draw a conclusion only to the excuse I mentioned above.It should be also concerned that entire-hiring may lead to free riders.As technology developed and the economy increased,we need lesser manpower to do the same amount of work compared to several years ago.So a number of people become useless via the new technology applied.For instance,a sweater-making factory five years ago produced hand-made sweaters.However,machine-made production takes place of the hand-made things nowadays.Furthermore,it is unfair that all employees share the same level of salary but tasks are not reasonably allotted.
There is a further more subtle point we mush attach importance to that the world is full of competition and here is the same rule among employees.With a lifelong-hire system,no one need to be afraid of been fired.As this rule had been applied in China before and had brought terrible consequence.In this case,people became idle to work .That stroke the economy and resulted in financial crisis.
In a nutshell,the lifelong-hire system has desirable advantages for one is that people work in this system can concentrate best and put their utmost attention on their work instead of engulfed with the worry of been fired.
But contemplate at all these factors,the advantages of not hiring people for their entire lives carry more weight than the opposite one.So we may definitely draw the conclusion that businesses should not hire employees for their entire lives.

请各位托福牛人帮忙看看这篇托福作文能有多少分 请尽量找茬!Depending on personal experience,personality type and emotional concern,we find that some people hold the idea that businesses should hire employees for their entire l
遣词较灵活,词汇用法较丰富,多少分不知道,但提几点看法
1.注意简单的语法错误：take the place of ,compare with,less-lesser,
There is a further more subtle point we must attach importance to (is) that the world is full of competition and here (there) is the same rule...(这一句里面有多个错误)
2.有些意思传递不明确,some of the others vs others,only a few of the most.VS several but probably the most...,this rule had been applied VS this rule （has）used to be applied
3,so,but类可用较正规的词,从句可再多用
4.有的论点和论据不是很有道理,如第一点和第二点的最后一句,例如Furthermore,it is unfair that all employees share the same level of salary but tasks are not reasonably allotted.从哪里可以得到这个判断
5,在这篇文章中,可否把反面的观点一生雇佣的好处首先提出在第一段提出用以衔接However,I think it is better not to hire people for their whole lives使文章更加连贯?

全部错误

不怎么样，错误蛮多，满分是没有的