求批改SAT essay.然后帮我提点建议.Our circumstance is changing everyday.Side trees change their colour day by day,certain birds come back in spring.Neighbour’s little baby gets taller,while my parents’ hair become gray.It seems that peo

求批改SAT essay.然后帮我提点建议.Our circumstance is changing everyday.Side trees change their colour day by day,certain birds come back in spring.Neighbour’s little baby gets taller,while my parents’ hair become gray.It seems that peo
求批改SAT essay.然后帮我提点建议.
Our circumstance is changing everyday.Side trees change their colour day by day,certain birds come back in spring.Neighbour’s little baby gets taller,while my parents’ hair become gray.
It seems that people’s paces are too slow to follow these changes.If so,what should we do?Yesterday I decided to go to KFC nearby today.Unfortunately its decoration hasn’t finished yet.What should I do?Should I give up the decision I made yesterday or go to another KFC though far away from home?
Such a situation is pretty common in every day life.In my view,I appreciate those who stick with their original decisions more.For instence,Steve Jobs.Known for his sensational Apple,Steve caught hearts all around the world.Exactly I’m not an Apple fan.What I admire is Steve’s steadfast demeanor,which he’ve kept with him all his life.
iPhone made us know Steve,and his Apple.During the dynasty of Nokia,almost no one dared challenge even stand out.When iPhone came out,however,things got complex.With its 3.5itches touch-control screen and elaborate body,it agatated the revolution of the smart phone.Different types from different brands flourished as if bamboo shoots gained enough rain water and grew taller rapidly.The typical one,as we all know today,was Samsung.Its Galaxy series smart phones became outstanding among various of rivals.Depending on its huge screen and excellent hardware equipments,the Galaxy series was regarded as iPhone’s largest opponent.Therefore,with more and more brands imitating Samsung’s style,another renovation of mobile phone---screen renovation---was led by Samsung.Big screen became a powerful weapon against iPhone and was adapted widely.
Eventually,iPhone was surpassed,condescending to the second place in world’s mobile phone market.Every one was waiting for a change.They were looking forwad to Apple’s fight-back.”Will iPhone expand its screen like others?””Will Apple join the hardware competition?”People paid much attention to Jobs,and his impending new iPhone.Nevertheless,those who expected a bigger iPhone must be disappionted.The same 3.5itches screen,single core inside.New iPhone 4 appeared to be the same as iPhone 3gs,except the “coat”.
Why Steve insisted in his “3.5 best”theory?It was not the day when iPhone domineered peerlessly.Withstanding the massive pressure given by Samsung,the “large guy”,what made iPhone so courageous to keep its style?Some experts ever alleged that Apple was making a irremediable mistakes.However they were embarrassed by the time:the next year,iPhone 4 became more successful than any onther its ancestors.
I’m just unable to deny that Steve’s courage to insist himself was superb.Now rainbow apprears without ordeals of storms.Though almost defeated by Samsung,the fell strom,Steve’s stubborn insistence earned him a splendid success,the colourful rainbow.So no matter how circumstance change,just insist yourself and walk your way.

求批改SAT essay.然后帮我提点建议.Our circumstance is changing everyday.Side trees change their colour day by day,certain birds come back in spring.Neighbour’s little baby gets taller,while my parents’ hair become gray.It seems that peo
非牛酱油党飘过~不求分我只是发现这里太冷清了.
先总结一下：楼主文章的主题是在changing environment 中坚持自己哈,你的观点是"just insist yourself and walk your way",说理还是满充分的.
现在是提些建议：（可能有些too personal,听上去扯得话请不要太在意.）
1、比较欣赏你的语言,简练,而且还有shooting bamboo这种比喻,让人耳目一新.有些语法小细节还是要注意,he've kept,a irremediable mistakes粗心错误,还有sensational Apple这个搭配很奇怪,用amazing,briliant 或许要好些.但是总觉得文章记叙部分太冗长,而议论太少了.其实美国人也有通过一个故事作为主线支持自己议论最后得12分的,但是他们语言是非常native的,而且他们的故事也有传统文化色彩,jobs不是说不可以举,但这种例子和我们写作文里用张海迪居里夫人一样,过于famous,要写好的话可能语言一定要十分拔尖才行.所以..所以...建议楼主还是选一些具有人文色彩的例子,而且每篇文章两三个左右,用简单的语言概述一下,就要有议论支撑的.像这一篇可用les miserables 里的主角jean valjean,坚持善良啊什么的,或者tolstoy 一生寻找“绿木棒”成为不朽的作家之类.政治尽量少谈,除非你真的具有雄才大略,能让小米听得一愣一愣,要么写一些近当代的但不是特别有名的时事（女权、黑人运动,我记得有一个满分作文是写两个小孩让政府通过一个禁止在海滩上乱扔烟头的法案）,要么就写人文经典,科学发明什么不太熟悉最好也别用.
2、然后就是文章的架构了.开头虽然很有哲理味道,但是.但是.对于考SAT写作文时间很紧张的中国人来说.SAT文章一定要“开宗明义”,上来就要摆好观点,然后展开论述.有一些聪明人就在开头就摆好观点和例子的一句话概述,然后再具体展开,显出作者构思很细致.有的人开头很文艺,但最后是会来不及的.两张纸必须写满才会有正常点的分数啊（当然你超牛也会例外）议论.重头.楼主要多练习啊.议论的时候少用问句,而且逻辑要清楚,用一些“consiquently","in such cases","then"表现你思维的推进是必要的.最好也是用一些"invariably","apparently","fairly","reasonably"表现你statement的强弱确定程度.还有就是楼主有很多连缀的短句子For instance,Steve Jobs.Known for his sensational Apple,Steve caught hearts all around the world.Exactly I’m not an Apple fan.What I admire is Steve’s steadfast demeanor,which he’ve kept with him all his life.这种不是不能写,而是如果用了很多短句子一定要再回过头来写两句长的,中文叫什么整散结合,但是如果你总是句子很短就难免很仓促,说话的时候有种“乒乒乓乓”的感觉.就不是好的议论文了.
3、还有一点.楼主的文章是写给美国人的,所以英式拼法最好避免,像colour最好写成color,这种小细节注意下也无妨.
所以.总之.SAT文章最好写成议论文!不是记叙文也不是说明文.要多写.一定不能过于报流水账,要议论（打死我吧）.